Morons Don’t Ride Motorbikes


 


 

Yes, today, I learned that morons don't ride motorbikes. Today, Bill and I started the skills portion of our motorbike training course. As part of our preparation for our placement in Sri Lanka, Bill and I are required to become "comfortable" on a motorbike. We did attempt to fudge our way around taking the training, by letting the CUSO office know that we were licensed to ride a 50cc bike, with our current BC driver's license. However, that attempt to avoid taking the course failed when CUSO insisted that the motorbike course was mandatory as the program office in Sri Lanka required that I be skilled on a bike in order to navigate a 63km loop between hospitals, mental health offices and the universities.


 

So, we began our training last week, beginning with the theory course. Motorcycle theory involves vectors, force, inertia and gravity. Failure to understand these physics results in CRASH! One must learn T-Clock (acronym a pre-trip inspection) and FINE-BC (acronym for daily checklist any time on a bike). One must learn the Friction point between the clutch plates and the power supplied to the rear wheel in order to move the bike forward. Did you know a choke was a gas enricher? Doesn't that seem like an oxymoron? Did you know that on a motorbike it is Necessary to ride the brake and ride the clutch (at low speed) and if you don't you can expect a CRASH?


 

Well, you should have seen Bill and me today. Bright shiny helmets and black fresh steer smelling leather gloves. Fine Leather Value Village Thrift shop motorbike jackets purchased for $12.99 were sported by the pair of us. Unfortunately, mine reeked of cigarette smoke despite several days hanging off the sundeck in the fresh air and despite numerous spritzs of Febreeze and perfume. We sported these recycled duds in the ICBC parking lot as we were chugging around bright orange cones laid out in figure eight patterns by a devious driving instructor. Stalling around the cones was a good thing, because the alternative to stalling was a wheelie! Wheelies happen when you don't ride the clutch and the brake. It was a sight, let me tell you. Bill had reasonable control over his bike, but my bike came out of the shoot snorting. I had a bucking bronco! I never did gentle the bike, at least not today.


 

I am smart, I can learn. I am smart, I can learn. I am smart, I can learn. I have poor motor skills, but I can learn.....


 

I did try lipstick to improve my confidence. Although it improve confidence or performance, I looked better bucking around the parking lot.


 

Dear God,

Please don't let me kill myself on the motorcycle. Give me coordination to pass the skills test I take on Thursday and I promise to never wear a beanie on the bike

(even though they are much more fashionable than the full-on space hat I am currently forced to wear).


 

PS: if Morons do ride, they are coordinated morons.

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